Fauxhawks

I’ve been seeing them. On my friends. On hairdressers. Apparently they’ve been around in Manhattan for a couple of years, but things take a little longer to arrive in Hawaii. Like the mail.

Perhaps I am dating myself, but I once ran around with a bunch of guys from a Kailua punk band called DDT. They had the “ridiculous” ‘do of the 80s, the Mohawk. Yeah, parents everywhere shook their heads as we lived out our rebellious little lives — well, not all of us made it very far — looking for meaning or just escape. We played our guitars, housed any friends who needed a roof, stayed up all night talking about the political state of Ireland (Yeah, I’m Japanese. But Nick was Irish. And he talked more than I did.), & broke bones downhilling St. Louis Heights. We had no money whatsoever, no mommy & daddy to pay for college, no family business to inherit. To go out & buy a tube of gel was something of a luxury. We applied the egg white on special occasions because we needed the eggs for food.

Money was spent on music. A CD, a new amp, new strings. Once I split the cost of a case of Top Ramen with a girlfriend & we lived on that for an entire month.

Wearing a Mohawk really was to be in Indian in this town. It invited hate from the local kids, & it automatically earned the contempt of the older generation. It was like begging to get beat up or be discriminated against. Yet my friends, guys & girls alike, eagerly bore this stigma. In my Army Surplus-bought jump boots (not those stupid, expensive, poser Doc Martens! Ha ha), cigarette in hand, I lost earrings & bloodied my nose in late-night warehouse mosh pits. I exercised living in the moment; I looked for meaning rather than longevity in every single day, & not all of it was gentle. I never thought I would live to see 30, & I’m a little confused as to how it happened.

But now longevity has made me a cranky old snob. I see a Fauxhawk & I think, “That’s not a ‘hawk. That’s just a bunch of gel.” Or, as my sister put it, “That’s what Ferris Bueller did in the shower.”

I have to try not to judge the players, but it’s so hard. It’s the “ridiculous” hairdo, & now I’m the “older” generation. I remember how unfair the older generation seemed to me when I was 18. But somehow, the Fauxhawk isn’t a modern-day version of a Mohawk to me. It’s watered down & meaningless. There’s no commitment to it; when you shampoo you go right back to looking like the good little private school kid your parents think you are. There’s no stigma attached to it; it’s being plugged by foppish, nightclub-frequenting “kids” in their late 20s.

Maybe I’m just jealous. You kids with your Gucci bags & riceboy cars, who never had to spend a single night not spending money. You can’t even pay the price of a real Mohawk. You put a bunch of gel in your hair & call it a “‘hawk.” So cheap.

Maybe I’m just angry that I survived long enough to be the older generation. But that’s another blog.

In conclusion, fauxhawks piss me off. It’s my own personal opinion, which I am entitled to, so fuck you if you don’t like it. The end. Love, Lauren. =)

5 Comments so far

  1. Doug (unregistered) on February 26th, 2006 @ 5:57 am

    Surely, there must be at least one photo of your LegitHawk hairdo that you could post! Talk is cheap. :)


  2. Logan (unregistered) on February 26th, 2006 @ 12:40 pm

    I’d like to see a pic of the “Tamahawk”!


  3. Lauren (unregistered) on February 26th, 2006 @ 1:15 pm

    Maybe it doesn’t show up very conspicuously, but if you click on the word “Mohawk” in the 2nd paragraph & “Fauxhawk” in the 5th paragraph, you will be linked to the wikipedia entries for those words. The Fauxhawk entry only has one picture, but it isn’t hard to Google “Fauxhawk” to see other pictures.

    Otherwise, please refer to the last paragraph of my post. Thanks! =)


  4. RS (unregistered) on March 1st, 2006 @ 10:23 am

    Lauren – you’re my kind of girl!


  5. Editor B (unregistered) on March 3rd, 2006 @ 7:06 am

    I’ve seen some fauxhawks here in New Orleans and (when we evacuated) in Indiana too so it seems to be a phenomenon that’s sweeping the nation. Then again, I’ve been seeing real honest-to-gosh mohawks in both places.

    Maybe I looked like an idiot when I had a mohawk back in the day, but I still think the fauxhawk is the dumbest look ever.



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